Leaving On a Jet Plane

Um...tomorrow.

Do as I say and not as I do, folks. Confirm the departure date for your flight before you spend the day frantically packing up your room so your niece can finally start unpacking her boxes. Check your ticket one last time before you throw whatever random pieces of clothing are lying around your room into a bag, so you can race out to the East Bay to celebrate your two-year-old niece's birthday with her (which isn't for two more days) before you leave town.

It wasn't until about 9pm last night when, in preparation for my 6am flight, I decided to check-in online and was flashed with a big ERROR sign owing to the fact that you cannot check-in more than 24 hours before your flight? Yeah, it still took me a few minutes to figure out what was going on.

The sad thing is, this wasn't the first time this has happened.

There was also the time way back in 1997 when I was leaving Austin for a big study abroad summer in Merida, Venezuela. I had packed my bags, said ALL of my goodbyes, and rushed to the airport (late as usual) only to be told that I was not late, but quite early. Twenty-four hours early to be exact. Does this stuff even happen to anyone else? All I know is, in my embarrassment, I went and hid at home watching movies until my flight the following day. No one the wiser to my silly little brain fart. Well, until now that is.

But seriously, twice??

On the bright side, I get to celebrate Nina's birthday twice!

Don't Try This At Home

The last month has been crazy. First, I broke my foot a mere few hours after posting the last entry while getting krump. That's right. I was krumping. What.

Second, I got two interviews for a job I would be very very lucky to get but that would involve a big move.

Third, I joined my family for a trip to the Grand Canyon, which was exciting, beautiful, and exhausting - especially when punctuated on either end with a tortuously long road trip.

Oh yeah, and I decided to move in with my brother at the end of this month to save on expenses. Thankfully, my niece (who's been living in the South Bay for the last couple of years) also just happened to be looking for a room to sublet for a couple of months. So that worked out nicely.

Also, I'm leaving for Portland in two days to spend a long weekend hanging out with Shannon, Heather, and Kelley. Woot woot!! And I'm going to visit Joy in PA sometime soon (dates TBD).

Then there's the matter of my Dad's latest, ahem...girlfriend(?), whom he may or may not already be married to; but, who is over 20 yrs his junior; who moved from Louisiana to Texas after having met my father face-to-face only a handful of times; and who comes with, among other things, a 13-year-old child! Really, there are no words.

Of course there's also the boy that I've been dating for what doesn't feel like that long but in all actuality has been SIX MONTHS!! And the fact that that fact just downright scares me more than evoking any other particular emotion.

On the upside, I haven't spent more than a few minutes stressing out over the bar exam! Who has the time?

Res Judicata? Are You Effing Kidding Me?!?

So we all know the circumstances that led me to taking the LSAT. Twice.

And we all know about why I had to drop out of law school. Once.

Which is how I ended up going through the hell of applying to law school. Twice.

And how I almost ended up dropping out of law school. Again.

And some of us know about how certain I was that, in my last semester of law school, my douchenozzle professor who threatened to fail me and keep me from graduating was going to do it just because he could. Yeah, well...I pretty much kept that one under the radar.

Then there were the circumstances that probably had something to do with me failing the Bar Exam by TWELVE POINTS.

And the fact that I chose not to take it again in February because I pretty much just couldn't even deal with all of that. Especially since I couldn't afford it because I was unemployed and deeper in debt than I've ever been in my life.

But then, my dad and my step-mom offered to pay for me to take it again.

So I did. Even though the constant gripping panic that is destitute poverty has taken up permanent residence in my gut.

And as of 4:55pm today, I have officially taken the Effing California Bar Exam. Twice.

So I'm writing this right now because I may take it back come 6pm PST on November 20th:


I'm glad I did.

Quote du Jour

Me: "Life is so hard..."
Earl: "Oh Amanda, when life gives you lemons...you cut them up and use them as garnish for your cocktail!"

Southern Comfort

There's nothing like a good Southern thunderstorm.

The rumble and crack of the thunder cutting right to the core of your belly.

The flashes of lightning unravelling like broken bones across the sky.

The heavy, fat raindrops soaking the ground and filling your lungs with the wet, soggy, smell of earth.

I'm sitting in my sister's apartment in Little Rock, Arkansas. Land of my father. Listening to Chopin nocturnes and soaking in the first thunderstorm I've experienced since I left the South almost six years ago.

The last couple of months have been dreadfully rough. I'm not sure how else to put it. It's been isolating and terrifying, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. But there's nothing like a good Southern thunderstorm to rattle your bones and force some cleansing air into your lungs. One minute you're standing on the balcony taking it all in. And the next, you're a part of it all, adding your own flood of tears to the rising water rushing into the drainage ditch below.

And as I stood there on the balcony feeling the storm rising around and inside of me, it became a sort of ablution. And I found myself murmuring a little prayer:

May this rain wash you clean of sadness.

May this roaring thunder chase away the demons that haunt you.

May this lightning strike like a sword of hope into the dark recesses of your mind.

And may you find a rainbow of peace on the other side.

Famous Last Words

Heard at REI last night between two sorority girls carrying armfuls of new camping gear:

(Girl1 casually turns to Girl 2)
G1: Do you think we should, like, get a map or something?
G2: Like, I think it'll be pretty self-explanatory...

May already?

It's been way too long since I wrote. But since I finally have a second I thought I'd check in. There was the week-long visit with my sister. It's been almost a year since I've seen her and I was aching deep in my bones for some quality time with her. It was AWESOME. I also had a few days with Shannon, which overlapped with Joy's stay. ROCK. Then I spent a week out in the East Bay babysitting my niece and nephew. It makes me stutterly speechless to try and describe how much love I have for those two humans. Now Heather's here. And tomorrow we're throwing a little fundraiser for NNAF because, you know, that's how we roll. And seeing Heather two times in less than six months makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

Oh yeah, and I'm dating someone....

I know. Crazy.

It's been a couple of months and it's been fun...and weird. If anything, it's made me realize just how damaged I really am. Which brings me to the big news...

Duh duh duh DUH! As of a couple of weeks ago, I'm officially divorced!!

I'll just pretend for a moment that it wasn't all emotionally complicated and crap. That dating someone new for the first time in three years hasn't made me uncomfortably aware of how emotionally damaged I am. That there wasn't some last shred of hope or romanticism or God knows what, that clung to the hope of resolution and happily ever after until the very. last. second.

But here we are in the now. And as James Baldwin so eloquently put it:

The moment we cease to hold each other
The moment we break faith with one another
The sea engulfs us and the light goes out.